Deva (my children’s delightful and wonderful godmother, and mother of quite possibly the cutest not-mine baby ever in the history of babies) asks, “I’d love your take on the whole “Tiger Mom” controversy.”
For starters, I’ll say that a) I wasn’t raised by a “Tiger Mom” and b) I am not a “Tiger Mom” so I don’t really have a dog in that particular fight. I also think there is a disparity between how the “Tiger Mom” is presented in the Wall Street Journal and in Amy Chua’s book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. The Wall Street Journal didn’t paint a completely accurate picture of her book, and she pointed out in the San Francisco Chronicle that she was very surprised to see that:
The Journal basically strung together the most controversial sections of the book. And I had no idea they’d put that kind of a title on it. But the worst thing was, they didn’t even hint that the book is about a journey, and that the person at beginning of the book is different from the person at the end — that I get my comeuppance and retreat from this very strict Chinese parenting model[...] I’d also note that I’m aware now of the limitations of that model — that it doesn’t incorporate enough choice, that it doesn’t account for kids’ individual personalities.
A newspaper sensationalizing something? SHOCKER!
However, let’s look at the concept of the “Tiger Mom.” In WSJ , Amy Chua’s edited-for-sensationalism segment says her children (and Asian children as a whole) are “stereotypically successful” because they were never allowed to:
• attend a sleepover
• have a playdate
• be in a school play
• complain about not being in a school play
• watch TV or play computer games
• choose their own extracurricular activities
• get any grade less than an A
• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama
• play any instrument other than the piano or violin
• not play the piano or violin.
What, exactly, is the definition of “successful” here? Makes high grades? Gets into a good college? Excels at a specific musical instrument? If those are the only yardstick by which one measures success, then I suppose those children could be considered successful. That much pressure to succeed academically doesn’t come without a cost, however. In May of 2007, CNN did a piece on the link between the cultural push to succeed and a high rate of suicide among Asian-American women, finding:
Asian-American women ages 15-24 have the highest suicide rate of women in any race or ethnic group in that age group. Suicide is the second-leading cause of death for Asian-American women in that age range. [...] First and foremost, they say “model minority” pressure — the pressure some Asian-American families put on children to be high achievers at school and professionally — helps explain the problem.
“In my study, the model minority pressure is a huge factor,” says Noh, who studied 41 Asian-American women who’d attempted or contemplated suicide. “Sometimes it’s very overt — parents say, ‘You must choose this major or this type of job’ or ‘You should not bring home As and Bs, only As,” she says. “And girls have to be the perfect mother and daughter and wife as well.”
That list above doesn’t look like steps to success, at least, not success for her children. I see children being forced to live their parents lives and not being adequately prepared to forge lives of their own. Of course, if the children adequately live the lives their parents choose for them, the parents will feel it’s successful, though as the sobering statistics from the Department of Health and Human Services show, all that “success” comes with a price. If you’re willing to risk your child’s mental health to make them a certain kind of success (as defined by you), I don’t know that I’d call you a superior mother. I think I’d call you a selfish mother, motivated by how good your child’s success makes you look (to the outside world) or feel (when they achieve what you wanted and couldn’t/didn’t get), rather than by what is actually best for your child.
I’m not saying that pushing your child in some areas is a bad thing. I am not saying that having high expectations or expecting your children to strive for excellence is a bad thing. I challenge my children. I set standards slightly higher for them in some areas than other parents might set. Their schedules don’t revolve around long periods of time with other same-age children, though I think they do get enough time with peers of interest/intellect (as opposed to peers of age). I expect them to put in a little time with a musical instrument (of their choice) during childhood. I put them in activities and we have stints of time where our schedules are pretty full. I suggest extracurricular activities, in order to facilitate trying new or enriching things, though I don’t typically force them to continue activities they hate past the one semester/season and I prefer to find activities that suit their interests. None of that seems harmful to me, because, while it’s not always child-driven, it’s at least child-conscious. My friend Patchfire’s children are even more heavily scheduled than mine and they don’t seem the worse for it. The appear to thrive within their busy week. My goal isn’t to make my children into a narrowly-defined type of success, but to give them an education that is deep enough and wide enough that they can find a foundation for whatever type of success that they ultimately want to strive towards.
Full, varied schedules don’t appear inherently harmful to me, if those schedules include a) reasonable expectations for performance, based on the child’s abilities, b) at least some activities that meet the interests of the children, c) experiences that are enriching in multiple areas, not just one or two, and d) activities that provide for socialization (not socializing). In other words, don’t forget that the schedule you’re making for your kid actually includes a person in there somewhere, who will one day have to grow up and make choices for him/herself. Don’t squash your children’s ability to figure out what they want/like, don’t punish them if they don’t want/like the same things you do, and don’t make “making mom happy” the only goal in life, ok?
To summarize:
1) The controversy surround Chua is overblown.
2) The “Tiger Mom” does exist, however, within many cultures (not just Asian cultures), and she’s harming, not helping her kids.
3) The problem isn’t the high standards, but the shaming when they aren’t met and the completely lack of freedom/personal fulfillment for the children.
4) In the face of unremitting pushing from parents, culture, and social expectations, a significant percent of people are going to break.
5) Your kids have to grow up to be their own people, so try not to get in the way of that, will you?
Anyway, that’s what [Smrt] Homeschooler thinks about Tiger Moms. How about you?
