Smrt Lernins

How can someone ever feel ok with the concept of “breaking a child’s will?” How do you write those words without vomiting on your own keyboard? What is wrong with these people? Because no decent human being would to that to a child.

Ok, Christians — you want to know one area where I think you reasonable, compassionate folks need to speak up and put a stop to something? THIS. Someone is invoking your name here. Worse, they’re invoking your God’s name and what is supposed to be your God’s holy word, and they’re using it to justify repeatedly hitting a child and then expecting the child to be happy about it. You need to stand up for your God and your Christ and put a stop to this. Non-religious people like me aren’t heard by these monsters. They might hear you, though. You need to tell these…these…things to stop hitting their children in the name of God.

“If she does not obey the 1st time, quickly, & w/a happy heart, she will get spanked. So, she has been spanked 10x today.”

Your child is THREE, you monster. Yes, monster. You are a monster. You have arbitrarily decided that a three year old can “obey” perfectly and happily every time and that if she does not, she deserves to be hit. You have hit her ten times in one day…not for doing something like putting herself or others in danger, but because she didn’t immediately obey and then be happy about it. You are a monster. You do not deserve children.

“she gets spanked 3x each time (b/c she is 3)”

You hit your daughter once for each year of life. You are sick. You are a monster. You are hitting your daughter for failing to be happy. You are hitting her three times for each time she isn’t happy and you are claiming to do it in the name of Godliness.

“After a spanking, she always wants to hug me”

Perhaps because your daughter needs reassurance that you don’t hate her. After all, she’s only three and you are hitting her ten times a day. You are hitting her because she isn’t smiling and acting happy when you give her commands. Of course she needs to hug you. How else will she know you love her? It isn’t through your other actions, because your other actions are monstrous. Have you also considered that (since you admit later that you do ask her if she wants to hug you), she might also terrified of being hit three more times if she tells you no?

“I group obedience, submission, respect, etc. when I mention all of those things. For example, I talked back to my bosses and did not respect them (NOT GOOD) and submission to my dh is a struggle at times – I want to help my children with those things (esp. my girls)…”

Why especially your girls? So that they’re prepared to be beaten by the domineering husband you’re programming them to marry? You are beating the “will” out of your daughter so that her husband won’t have to do it for her? Does your husband hit you because you don’t submit well enough? I wouldn’t be surprised, since that also seems to be pretty normal in these circles. Is that what you want for your daughters? You want them to be mindless slaves?

Another monster on this thread commented: “I always said to mine, “When Mommy spanks the bottom __________” and my kid would finish the rest of the statement with “…it makes the heart sweet.”

You, madam, are another sick individual. You are perverse and what you are doing to your children is despicable. You’re teaching them to equate a beating with love. You are telling them you hit them because you love them. You are telling them that hitting them makes them “sweet” and more lovable. Do you want to make your children into victims of domestic violence? If you do, congratulations! You’ve found the method.

Christians, I implore you. Please, PLEASE. Only you can intervene. I am not a Christian and thusly, my words will be meaningless to people like this. You, however, might be able to make a difference. I am so grateful that so many self-identifying Christians, even those who are from a more Bible-literal tradition, have stood up and said that this woman’s behavior is inappropriate. Christians like Daisy, whom I absolutely cherish as a gem amongst the rubble of the internet, are the ones who can make changes. You are the ones who can make a difference. Christianity is your belief system, not mine. It’s your culture, not mine. I’m a stranger, an outsider, who can only judge and comment from without. You have to make changes within that culture. You, as a group, need to continue to shine light on these darknesses and say “This is NOT God’s love.”

ETA: TulipGirl has some excellent suggestions for resources for Christians who want to put a stop to this particular subset of pseudo-Christian parenting:

http://parentingfreedom.com/discipline/

http://www.freewebs.com/suffer-the-little-children/therodorshebet.htm

http://www.wholeheart.org/

Families Where Grace Is In Place by Jeff Van Vonderen
Heartfelt Discipline by Clay Clarkson
Relational Parenting by Ross Campbell
Grace Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel

Daisy asks, “In light of the recent news articles about homeschooling families who have flown under the radar and abused their children, do you think there should be more government oversight of homeschooling?”

My experiences haven’t convinced me that either system is worse or better for protecting children from (or leaving them subject to) child abuse as a whole.

I don’t think homeschooling is to blame for this. Not in the slightest. I think officially enrolling a child in homeschooling may provide a simpler means in the long term of hiding extensive child abuse, but a public or private family could easily withdraw their student from the school in the name of moving (to another school, district, town, or state) and just not re-enroll — most states don’t have the resources to follow up with every student, especially if that child isn’t using any government services that would keep him/her fresh on their radar.

Children enrolled in public or private school are victims of abuse every day, too. It goes unnoticed or unreported. Children can fall through the cracks anywhere, long absences can be excused, transient families can easily slip out of the sight and minds of the school system. Just because a system is full of mandated reporters, it doesn’t mean that they will notice the abuse. It doesn’t mean that they will take it seriously even if they do. I went to public school with an individual who was abused extensively (both sexually and physically) by a parent throughout the time we attended school together. I had no idea and I don’t think most of the teachers did, either. Until we install cameras or human monitors in every family’s home (homeschooling or public schooling) for 24-hour “oversight,” we can’t catch every incident of abuse.

The important common factor I’ve noticed in many of these deaths is not that the children are schooled at home, but that the parents adhere to a strict set of religious beliefs, keep themselves isolated from anyone outside their insular religious community (in fact, they’re encouraged to cut themselves off from people with differing beliefs who might lead them astray), and follow supposedly Bible-based parenting “guides” such as To Train Up a Child by the heartless, conscience-less, and utterly godless (beyond a belief in their own righteousness) creatures, the Pearls.

Religious extremism and blind obeisance to a dangerous parenting method killed those children, not homeschooling. Those same crimes, committed under the instruction of the Pearls’ books, could have been perpetrated by the parents if their children had been enrolled in private religious schools. They could have been perpetrated on children enrolled in public school, though I think it’s unlikely that these parents would have enrolled their children in public school. Government oversight of homeschooling wouldn’t have changed the fact that these parents believed God wanted them to beat their children until they obeyed perfectly and cheerfully. The Pearls specifically instruct parents to beat their children with 1/4 inch flexible PVC pipe, because it hurts, but the marks fade quickly. Child abusers often develop methods to disguise the abuse they are committing and the Pearls teach parents how to be meticulous child abusers…and that the only way they can be right with God and raise godly children is through systematically breaking the child. Unfortunately, some children aren’t broken as easily as others, so the beatings continue.

You know where government oversight might help? Through investigation of the dangerous cult of child abuse led by the Pearls (or other churches espousing child abuse). I was shocked that they were NOT listed on the SPLC’s “Hate Group” watch list, because the Pearls clearly hate children. They also hate women, but they seem to view women as large children who need the same degree of abuse and mastery. You want to reduce the number of deaths in homeschooled children? Start investigating the churches that hold TTUAC “parenting” classes (I use “parenting” in quotes because it’s more like “prison guarding” than parenting). Look for the churches that are telling their congregation that the only way to be right with God is through frequent application of the “rod.” Look for the families that are gobbling up the advice to beat their children as a path to righteousness. The parents who believe their child should be beaten until she pronounces a word correctly (because Michael Pearls says that sort of willfulness deserves a beating) will beat their child whether she’s in public school, private school, or homeschool. If the government can investigate the FLDS community because of potential child abuse, surely they could investigate the Cult of Michael Pearl. They can investigate child abuse if someone reports it. REPORT IT! There’s even a precedent for investigating churches/pastors who are espousing child abuse. You CAN investigate the church and its leaders if that church is telling you to break the law…or break your child.

Most homeschoolers (religious or secular) do not beat their children and many, many abused children are attending school within the public system. Oversight applied to all homeschoolers won’t catch this abuse, because abusers are often sneaky. They’re careful. Do you think that a child will be covered in bruises on check-in day? Of course not. Pearl-trained/abused children are squeaky clean and perfectly polite when they’re marched out for company. If you want to stop these abuse death, you have to go to the source. Stop the abusers from teaching other parents how to abuse. If you belong to a church that espouses the Pearl methods, speak up against the wrongness and danger of these methods. If your church is considering starting Pearl (or Ezzo, or other religiously-based child abuse classes) speak up. Say, “NO, this is NOT the way to God! This is the way to kill or seriously injure your child.” If they continue with the classes, keep your eyes peeled for signs of abuse and turn the abusers in in. You may not be a legally-mandated reporter, but you are a morally-obligated one.