On my Facebook today, I made this declaration, “I don’t get the whole ‘I don’t force my children to say please/thank you’ nonsense. It’s not oppression, people. It’s manners. When your kids deal w/ me, they better damn well say please, thank you, and call me ma’am.”
I won’t say I was surprised at the mix of responses or which responses came from which people on my FB. I think I know my friends reasonably well.
I continue, however, to be baffled by the growing phenomenon of viewing manners as some form of oppression. It seems to have become a new parenting trend, one that seems slightly more common in the attachment parenting world. I think it goes hand-in-hand with that whole “consensual living” stuff and, to a certain extent, unschooling. The mantra seems to be “If you don’t want to do it, we won’t make you.” The attitude is that it’s never ok to make your kids to do things they don’t want to do, that all learning can happen through modeling (not that all of these adults also model splendid manners), and that expecting polite phrases is either harmfully oppressive or teaching them to be fakes/liars. It would be laughable if I didn’t have to interact with these kids in public.
When a child is in my house, in my care, in my class (such as my writing classes), or addressing me directly, I expect please, thank you, you’re welcome, and yes/no ma’am*. I expect my own children to behave in such a way no matter where they are. I love my children. I value their lives above my own. I value children’ human rights as equal to or exceeding my own. However, they are not my social equals and they are certainly not my social betters. I am the provider and caretaker, the teacher and meal cooker and wound healer. I wipe the asses and the noses (though not with the same tissue). I will be spoken to with respect. I also treat my children respectfully, say please/thank you/etc., but I expect them to show an additional degree of deference and respect to their elders. Period.
I’m not sitting around prompting kids with, “Now, what’s the magic word?” It’s more than that. Still, if my child says, “I want more potatoes,” I’m not giving them more potatoes. I’m saying, “Is there a more polite way to ask for potatoes?” or “Can you ask for potatoes in a way that might make someone want to serve you some?” Daddyman and I say please to each other, too, and I don’t hand him the potatoes without a “please,” either. If one of my kids hits the other, I’m not just saying, “Say you’re sorry.” First I ask if they understand how hitting makes the other person feel, then I tell them the appropriate response is an apology, maybe a hug if the victim of the hit wants it. If the apology doesn’t sound sincere, we do it again, because sometimes just modeling isn’t enough; coaching on the proper way to do it may be required. A good apology involves eye contact, a polite and contrite tone, and clear speech, no half-hearted mumbling. If they refuse, they can excuse themselves from decent company until they’re ready to act like they belong in it.
Plenty of people disagree with me. I’m Smrt Mama the Oppressor, with my pushy and demanding insistence that my kids be polite. Not just “act in a polite way,” which so many parents seem sure their children can do without adequately polite language, but actually use the niceties that are a part of good manners.
So yeah, I make them say “please” and “thank you.”
Expecting your children to say “thank you” when they receive a gift, even if they don’t particularly want or like the gift, isn’t somehow compromising your integrity or theirs. It’s giving your children the language to politely express gratitude when gratitude isn’t naturally forthcoming. Prompting them to say “thank you” in those circumstances where the gratitude isn’t naturally springing to mind isn’t doing them a disservice, but reminding them that they have a social obligation to politely express appreciation that a gift (which is never an obligation) was purchased for them. By insisting on the thank you until it’s a more natural response, you are not only instilling manners, but reminding them that they aren’t entitled to receive gifts and encouraging them to keep others’ feelings in mind, to boot. Why is this a bad thing? What would you rather your children do? Say nothing at all as they cast the unwanted gift aside? If I were the gift-giver, I would not only view those children as impolite and ungrateful, but wouldn’t think very highly of the parents. In fact, if I gave them another gift at all, it would likely be How to Behave and Why.
Using manners isn’t “being insincere.” Manners are a social contract. They provide a framework for civil interaction. They not only show respect to each other, but they provide a mutual social language from which to work. They provide a method for coming to an accord, protect feelings and dignity, offer an exit strategy for a lapse in behavior. And yes, they teach important life skills. You won’t get far in the South without saying “ma’am” and “sir” (and even if you do, nobody thinks much of you). You won’t get far in business without the ability to apologize or act grateful when you don’t necessarily mean it, so yeah, the ability to apologize in a way that appears sincere is pretty useful. Honestly, acting like you’re sorry for your behavior can often be a good stepping stone towards genuinely feeling sorry.
And please, if you don’t like this post, kindly excuse yourself. Be like Billy…behave yourself!
*ETA: It’s pointed out to me that not all of you are lucky enough to live in the South, where “ma’am” and “sir” are the standard. I’m terribly sorry. Have you considered moving? Or perhaps starting a new trend of politeness where you live? 
