If there is one thing I am tired of hearing about, it’s the damn “mommy wars.”
No, I’m not linking to any articles about the “mommy wars,” because honestly. Honestly. I am over it.
When I say I don’t like a particular parenting style or choice, a particular blogger, a particular philosophy, here are some things you should know: It’s not a vast conspiracy. It’s not a huge cultural movement. It’s not a battle with sides, pitting Mom Type A against Mom Types B. Sometimes it just means I think you’re a bitch.
I don’t believe I have to support every choice other mothers make in order to uplift motherhood.
I don’t believe I have to only say positive things or I’m perpetuating some fictional war of or on motherhood.
I don’t believe I have to like someone just because we have made similar choices on certain issues.
I don’t believe I have to agree with you just because you are a mother who blogs.
I don’t believe I have to agree with you just because you are a mother.
I don’t believe that “playing nice” or “maintaining peace” are goals I need to strive towards as a woman, a mother, or a blogger.
Sometimes I don’t like another mother/blogger’s attitude. Sometimes I don’t like her politics. Sometimes I don’t like her wishy-washy inability to take a real stance or state a real opinion. Sometimes I don’t like her attitudes about women, femininity, or feminism. Sometimes I think to myself, “I’m sure glad she’s raising her kids in Chicago/the Pacific Northwest/Los Whateversmos/Bratsghanistan so my kids won’t ever, ever, ever accidentally encounter hers.” Sometimes I want to shake things up. Sometimes, other moms do stupid things and then blog about it, or say stupid things, or have uninformed or offensive opinions, or just plain say something I don’t like or that doesn’t make me think highly of them. I know I do all of that stuff, and I don’t expect smoke blown up my ass when I do it, just because doing otherwise might oh-dear-god-in-heaven perpetuate the “mommy wars.” If you disagree with me, I don’t perceive it as part of a conspiracy, plot, or opposing side. I consider it a disagreement FROM you, WITH me. Just us two. No armies. No war.
I don’t know who started this “mommy war” concept, but I bet the bank that their goal wasn’t to uplift women. You want to know what is really doing a disservice to mothers? Simplifying everything they say and do down to sides in a “mommy war.” When you do that, you’re saying that they don’t have their own opinions and experiences, that they haven’t done any research or seen any data, that they can’t make rational decisions and then talk about them. You are saying they can’t be anything other than a representative of some mass groupthink. You’re saying women must all play nice and never speak up, and that any attempt to do otherwise is just part of some petty little playground battle between 2-dimensional mom archetypes. You’re saying, “Be a good girl, sit down and shut up, because you don’t want to continue the mommy wars, do you? Don’t say, ‘Maybe that’s a bad choice!’ Don’t say, ‘What the hell are you thinking?’ Don’t say, ‘Have you done any research on that?’ Don’t say, ‘What you are saying/doing is offensive or harmful or just downright dumb!’ The only way to support women is to always be pleasant and positive! You are obligated to agree with all women in all things and always tell them what they are doing is right for their family!” [I'm pretty sure that whole thing there should be said in Effie Trinket's voice, which in my head sounds just like Kristen Chenoweth's]
Let me tell you what: I am not Homeschool Mom, formally representing the viewpoints of all Homeschool Moms in opposition to Not Homeschool Moms. I am not Attachment Parenting Mom, formally representing the viewpoints of all Attachment Parenting Moms in opposition to Not AP Moms. I’m not Activism Mom (of whatever flavor), formally representing the viewpoints of all Activist Moms in opposition to Moms Who Don’t Do It That Way. I am Smrt Mama. My opinions comes from a lifetime of experiences, research, and human interaction. I sometimes disagree with the opinions and methodology of people supposedly on “my side” of various issues.
I am not a side in a war. Neither are you. Here’s my deal to you: I’ll call you a bitch on your own merits and you call me a bitch on mine, and we leave the term “mommy wars” out of it forever and always.
