I’m putting this morning on notice, Colbert-style.
With Officer Daddyman doing daytime training classes this week, I’ve been the only one here to deal with the children’s morning-time insanity. I have had enough and I am putting a stop to it. Every morning this week and every morning of the week two weeks ago (when Daddyman was also in training), they have woken me up well before my alarm by fighting, screaming, arguing, hitting/biting, tattling, banging on my door, and generally acting like little savages. This morning, Tank bit Captain Science (well, “bit,” because it’s more a symbolic act of jackassery than it is an intent to injure), the Captain Science taunted Tank about how he (Captain S) gets to walk the dog and Tank can’t, and then Tank chanted “shut it, shut it, shut it!” at Captain Science every time him made a sound, until Captain Science threw himself on the ground, sobbing, “You’re torturing me! You’re torturing me! WHY? WHY?!?!”
So, how’s your Eff Off Friday going?
When I came downstairs, shortly after the dramatical sob-fest, I announced a new house rule: if anyone wakes me by screaming, tattling, crying, etc. over anything less than a life/health-threatening situation, all TV, computer, and Wii privileges would be lost for the day. The boys seemed to understand I meant it. Perhaps it was my crazy eyes, as it’s hard to not have crazy eyes when one is awakened from a deep, enjoyable sleep (which is rare enough for me lately) by shrieking hooligans.
Feeling the awesome authoritative glow of having calmly, but effectively asserted myself as lead dog of the pack, I mentally compiled a list of other morning-time behaviors I would outlaw if I were less authoritative, more authoritarian, and just a little more bitchy. If I ruled me children with an iron first, I would forbid:
- Chewing on clothing
- Shouting of the made up word “foofy!”
- Flailing in the computer chair
- Falling out of the computer chair
- Sucking and slurping at an apple as though it were a teat
- Taking an hour to eat the same apple in tiny, noisily chewed bites
- Removing pants and yelling “boopah! boopah!” with no actual intentions of using the potty
- Kicking me when I attempt to put your pants back on you
- Asking me the same question more than twice, despite having been answered twice
- Climbing up me without an express invitation
- Continuing to climb on me after being told not to do it
- Pawing at my chest to nurse
- Pawing at my arm to get my attention
- Barking at that “other dog” in the yard, which is actually just your reflection, stupid!
- That certain tone of voice you use, especially for the word “Mama”
- Repetitively chanting any word, phrase, syllable, or noise
- Eating someone else’s snack when they set it down
- Bragging and being smug about something you’re doing or have done that someone else is/has not (including eating their snack)
- Dawdling through the first activity of the day, so it takes two hours to do a 30 minute activity
- Begging for more “home-stoo” work, then snubbing every activity I come up with
- Taking more than one bathroom break an hour unless you’ve been drinking coffee or have a stomach bug
- Using the baby and/or dog as a distraction method to put off school work
Do you think I’d have any luck enforcing those rules?
