Smrt Lernins

If there is one thing I am tired of hearing about, it’s the damn “mommy wars.”

No, I’m not linking to any articles about the “mommy wars,” because honestly. Honestly. I am over it.

When I say I don’t like a particular parenting style or choice, a particular blogger, a particular philosophy, here are some things you should know: It’s not a vast conspiracy. It’s not a huge cultural movement. It’s not a battle with sides, pitting Mom Type A against Mom Types B. Sometimes it just means I think you’re a bitch.

I don’t believe I have to support every choice other mothers make in order to uplift motherhood.
I don’t believe I have to only say positive things or I’m perpetuating some fictional war of or on motherhood.
I don’t believe I have to like someone just because we have made similar choices on certain issues.
I don’t believe I have to agree with you just because you are a mother who blogs.
I don’t believe I have to agree with you just because you are a mother.
I don’t believe that “playing nice” or “maintaining peace” are goals I need to strive towards as a woman, a mother, or a blogger.

Sometimes I don’t like another mother/blogger’s attitude. Sometimes I don’t like her politics. Sometimes I don’t like her wishy-washy inability to take a real stance or state a real opinion. Sometimes I don’t like her attitudes about women, femininity, or feminism. Sometimes I think to myself, “I’m sure glad she’s raising her kids in Chicago/the Pacific Northwest/Los Whateversmos/Bratsghanistan so my kids won’t ever, ever, ever accidentally encounter hers.” Sometimes I want to shake things up. Sometimes, other moms do stupid things and then blog about it, or say stupid things, or have uninformed or offensive opinions, or just plain say something I don’t like or that doesn’t make me think highly of them. I know I do all of that stuff, and I don’t expect smoke blown up my ass when I do it, just because doing otherwise might oh-dear-god-in-heaven perpetuate the “mommy wars.” If you disagree with me, I don’t perceive it as part of a conspiracy, plot, or opposing side. I consider it a disagreement FROM you, WITH me. Just us two. No armies. No war.

I don’t know who started this “mommy war” concept, but I bet the bank that their goal wasn’t to uplift women. You want to know what is really doing a disservice to mothers? Simplifying everything they say and do down to sides in a “mommy war.” When you do that, you’re saying that they don’t have their own opinions and experiences, that they haven’t done any research or seen any data, that they can’t make rational decisions and then talk about them. You are saying they can’t be anything other than a representative of some mass groupthink. You’re saying women must all play nice and never speak up, and that any attempt to do otherwise is just part of some petty little playground battle between 2-dimensional mom archetypes. You’re saying, “Be a good girl, sit down and shut up, because you don’t want to continue the mommy wars, do you? Don’t say, ‘Maybe that’s a bad choice!’ Don’t say, ‘What the hell are you thinking?’ Don’t say, ‘Have you done any research on that?’ Don’t say, ‘What you are saying/doing is offensive or harmful or just downright dumb!’ The only way to support women is to always be pleasant and positive! You are obligated to agree with all women in all things and always tell them what they are doing is right for their family!” [I'm pretty sure that whole thing there should be said in Effie Trinket's voice, which in my head sounds just like Kristen Chenoweth's]

Let me tell you what: I am not Homeschool Mom, formally representing the viewpoints of all Homeschool Moms in opposition to Not Homeschool Moms. I am not Attachment Parenting Mom, formally representing the viewpoints of all Attachment Parenting Moms in opposition to Not AP Moms. I’m not Activism Mom (of whatever flavor), formally representing the viewpoints of all Activist Moms in opposition to Moms Who Don’t Do It That Way. I am Smrt Mama. My opinions comes from a lifetime of experiences, research, and human interaction. I sometimes disagree with the opinions and methodology of people supposedly on “my side” of various issues.

I am not a side in a war. Neither are you. Here’s my deal to you: I’ll call you a bitch on your own merits and you call me a bitch on mine, and we leave the term “mommy wars” out of it forever and always.

On my Facebook today, I made this declaration, “I don’t get the whole ‘I don’t force my children to say please/thank you’ nonsense. It’s not oppression, people. It’s manners. When your kids deal w/ me, they better damn well say please, thank you, and call me ma’am.”

I won’t say I was surprised at the mix of responses or which responses came from which people on my FB. I think I know my friends reasonably well.

I continue, however, to be baffled by the growing phenomenon of viewing manners as some form of oppression. It seems to have become a new parenting trend, one that seems slightly more common in the attachment parenting world. I think it goes hand-in-hand with that whole “consensual living” stuff and, to a certain extent, unschooling. The mantra seems to be “If you don’t want to do it, we won’t make you.” The attitude is that it’s never ok to make your kids to do things they don’t want to do, that all learning can happen through modeling (not that all of these adults also model splendid manners), and that expecting polite phrases is either harmfully oppressive or teaching them to be fakes/liars. It would be laughable if I didn’t have to interact with these kids in public.

When a child is in my house, in my care, in my class (such as my writing classes), or addressing me directly, I expect please, thank you, you’re welcome, and yes/no ma’am*. I expect my own children to behave in such a way no matter where they are. I love my children. I value their lives above my own. I value children’ human rights as equal to or exceeding my own. However, they are not my social equals and they are certainly not my social betters. I am the provider and caretaker, the teacher and meal cooker and wound healer. I wipe the asses and the noses (though not with the same tissue). I will be spoken to with respect. I also treat my children respectfully, say please/thank you/etc., but I expect them to show an additional degree of deference and respect to their elders. Period.

I’m not sitting around prompting kids with, “Now, what’s the magic word?” It’s more than that. Still, if my child says, “I want more potatoes,” I’m not giving them more potatoes. I’m saying, “Is there a more polite way to ask for potatoes?” or “Can you ask for potatoes in a way that might make someone want to serve you some?” Daddyman and I say please to each other, too, and I don’t hand him the potatoes without a “please,” either. If one of my kids hits the other, I’m not just saying, “Say you’re sorry.” First I ask if they understand how hitting makes the other person feel, then I tell them the appropriate response is an apology, maybe a hug if the victim of the hit wants it. If the apology doesn’t sound sincere, we do it again, because sometimes just modeling isn’t enough; coaching on the proper way to do it may be required. A good apology involves eye contact, a polite and contrite tone, and clear speech, no half-hearted mumbling. If they refuse, they can excuse themselves from decent company until they’re ready to act like they belong in it.

Plenty of people disagree with me. I’m Smrt Mama the Oppressor, with my pushy and demanding insistence that my kids be polite. Not just “act in a polite way,” which so many parents seem sure their children can do without adequately polite language, but actually use the niceties that are a part of good manners.

So yeah, I make them say “please” and “thank you.”

Expecting your children to say “thank you” when they receive a gift, even if they don’t particularly want or like the gift, isn’t somehow compromising your integrity or theirs. It’s giving your children the language to politely express gratitude when gratitude isn’t naturally forthcoming. Prompting them to say “thank you” in those circumstances where the gratitude isn’t naturally springing to mind isn’t doing them a disservice, but reminding them that they have a social obligation to politely express appreciation that a gift (which is never an obligation) was purchased for them. By insisting on the thank you until it’s a more natural response, you are not only instilling manners, but reminding them that they aren’t entitled to receive gifts and encouraging them to keep others’ feelings in mind, to boot. Why is this a bad thing? What would you rather your children do? Say nothing at all as they cast the unwanted gift aside? If I were the gift-giver, I would not only view those children as impolite and ungrateful, but wouldn’t think very highly of the parents. In fact, if I gave them another gift at all, it would likely be How to Behave and Why.

Using manners isn’t “being insincere.” Manners are a social contract. They provide a framework for civil interaction. They not only show respect to each other, but they provide a mutual social language from which to work. They provide a method for coming to an accord, protect feelings and dignity, offer an exit strategy for a lapse in behavior. And yes, they teach important life skills. You won’t get far in the South without saying “ma’am” and “sir” (and even if you do, nobody thinks much of you). You won’t get far in business without the ability to apologize or act grateful when you don’t necessarily mean it, so yeah, the ability to apologize in a way that appears sincere is pretty useful. Honestly, acting like you’re sorry for your behavior can often be a good stepping stone towards genuinely feeling sorry.

And please, if you don’t like this post, kindly excuse yourself. Be like Billy…behave yourself!

*ETA: It’s pointed out to me that not all of you are lucky enough to live in the South, where “ma’am” and “sir” are the standard. I’m terribly sorry. Have you considered moving? Or perhaps starting a new trend of politeness where you live?

Now, I’m aware that many of you probably get up early, either by choice or by necessity. I can get up early and do perfectly well, generally, but to me, one of the greatest maternal benefits of homeschooling is that I can sleep until at least 8am most days.

STARBASE is making me into zombie mom, with its crazy 6:45 wakeup time! True, the program doesn’t start until 9 and it’s only about 15-20 miles, but I have to get three kids dressed and through Metro Atlanta traffic to get there. Stupid traffic. Stupid STARBASE.

I’ve always had bouts of insomnia, but somehow it seems like the insomnia knows when I have to be up early, because that’s a prime time to not sleep. Of course, Officer Daddyman was back to work this morning, temporarily on day shift (5am wake up), so I was in this horrible light doze of “is everyone’s alarm going to go off?” anyway, plus his work routine on top of it (bathroom light in my eyes through the door crack), plus a middle of the night wakeup from Babypie to pee (which she wouldn’t do once she was up). In between, light and unsatisfying sleep. I feel like a can of poo.

Keep your freaking 6:45 wakeup. I want my 8+am morning back.

I wanted to set a reading challenge for myself this year. I had fallen into something of a reading rut, doing a lot of rereading favorite books, and wanted to make myself read some new things. While I’m a fast reader, I wasn’t sure I was up to the challenge of 52 books in 52 weeks, because I do have other hobbies and interests outside of reading. Instead, I decided I’d shoot for four books a month, so that I’d have an extra couple of days of leeway if life got too busy for me to sit and read for any length of time.

ETA: I am soliciting recommendations for future FBAM reads!

In January, I read the following books:

The Lacuna by Barbara Kingsolver was exactly what I needed to start the year. Barbara Kingsolver is one of my favorite contemporary writers, and she did not disappoint me this time. Politics, history, an (incredibly appropriate) undertone of magical realism, with a partial setting in Asheville, NC? Color me sold. I learned a lot about pre-WWII-era communism, Trotsky, Diego Rivera and Frida Kahlo, and about the McCarthyist senate hearings and blacklist. The format, journals and letters of the protagonist assembled posthumously by his secretary, creates interesting gaps in the timeline and provides limited insight into certain areas of his life, but detailed looks into others. I noted some uncomfortable similarities between political events in the book and some current goings-on. Definitely worth reading!

My Name is Memory by Ann Brashares wasn’t nearly as fluffy as I’d anticipated. I enjoyed Brashares’s other work, the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series, but it wasn’t the most substantive read. I was pleasantly surprised to find that Brashares devoted as much energy to crafting the setting and backstory in My Name is Memory (an area that I found significantly lacking in the Pants books) as she did to character development. Brashares’s take on reincarnation was interesting from both a literary and philosophical perspective, and I enjoyed the short glimpses into all the different cultures throughout history. Not the best book I’ve ever read, but a solid and enjoyable book nonetheless. We’ll call this one Deep Lite.

Julie and Julia by Julie Powell was also not the fluff I had anticipated. I was anticipating a self-congratulatory Pioneer Woman-esque story of lookit-me-I’m-so-awesome! I didn’t know anything about Julie Powell’s life or history, but learning where she was working at the time gave me a different understanding of why she started the Julie/Julia project. I enjoyed the blogging aspect, especially since blogging wasn’t anywhere near as popular when Julie started her project. The cooking managed to sound alternately (sometimes either simultaneously) delicious and disgusting, the people were all funny and (since they’re actual people, at least in theory) sometimes behaved unpredictably, and the project itself was inspiring. I loved that final stick of butter. Thoroughly enjoyable book.

The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss was good as far as fantasy goes. It’s hard to impress me in that area, because I’ve read so much fantasy. I’m underwhelmed by the protagonist, Kvothe, because I find little to relate to with a character who is good (usually the best) at everything, all the time. The “I’m so gifted, everything comes to me naturally” trope is one of the most common in sci-fi/fantasy that it’s easy to predict the character’s personal arc: S/he’s the youngest ever to [do suchandsuch], s/he will lose or be separated from his/her parenst through a traumatic event, s/he is doubted until s/he makes a display of his/her talent that is both impressive and tricksy, his/her fatal flaw is pride in his/her amazing abilities and that leads to a loss of something s/he really wanted and will spend the rest of the book trying to craftily win back, all the while interacting with an unattainable love interest (which of course, we know is ultimately doomed — the question is only whether the love interest will die, turn out to be a bad guy, or be stolen/seduced by the bad guy). That’s almost every fantasy book, ever. It’s hard to sympathize with the ill treatment Kvothe receives from others as a response to his success, because it’s just so predictable. That antagonist (the jealous fellow student) isn’t well developed; he’s every jealous student/fellow mage/whatever in every fantasy book, with no good points. On the plus side, the larger story arc (the one that is obviously intended to go across the whole series) is much stronger; the world is richly developed, the magical system is quite good (based on thermodynamics, in part), and the writer’s use of language is enjoyable. I thought I would be more impressed by this than I was, because I’ve had it so highly recommended, but I think my standards for fantasy are higher than average. Perhaps that’s a result of being raised on Tolkien? I fully intend to read the other book(s) in the series, because now I’m invested in the story and want to see what happens, so I guess that’s a mark that this book was good enough.

I don’t do New Year’s Resolutions, but last year I did make my list of 101 things to accomplish in 1001 days. My 1001 days started on January 1, 2010 and will end on September 28, 2012.

Since I’ve made the list, my priorities have changed somewhat. I’m no longer quite as interested in certain tasks or goals. I’m going to relist my list, update the stuff I’ve finished, and remove things I’m no longer particularly interested in accomplishing, replacing them with new goals. Some of the things, I don’t have a new goal to replace them, like the specific weight loss goals. I have decided I really don’t care about reaching a specific weight or clothing size — I want to feel good about how I look, feel healthy, and love myself; everything else is lagniappe.

The Criteria:
Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on your part).

Smrt Mama’s 101 in 1001

Blogging [8 Total]
1. Participate in NaBloPoMo in 2010 [Completed 11/10]
2. Participate in NaBloPoMo in 2011
3. Tag all past LiveJournal entries
4. Comment on two homeschool blogs weekly for a year [Kept it up for 8 weeks, but there just aren't that many new homeschool blogs worth reading] UPDATED GOAL: Comment on two homeschool blogs monthly for a year.
5. Find one new homeschool blog a month to add to blogroll [My blogroll has gotten cluttered and I hate the look of clutter on my blog.] UPDATED GOAL: Find one new blog each month to read — doesn’t have to be homeschool related.
6. Do two “Day in the Life” photo essays and post in blog
7. Create content for three pages on Smrt Lernins [Completed: Adventures in Smrt Lernins 02/05/10, Smrt Curricula 02/04/10, and Secular Thursdays 02/05/10]
8. Update Smrt Lernins look with custom template

Breastfeeding, Pregnancy, and Birth (Education and Advocacy) [14 Total]
9. Earn a professional certification/accreditation relating to pregnancy/birth
10. Earn a professional certification/accreditation relating to breastfeeding
11. Provide labor support at five births
12. Subscribe to Mothering magazine [reconsidering this one, as Peggy O'Mara is batshit crazy]
13. Become a paying La Leche League member
14. Develop written action plan for NMBBC UPDATED GOAL: Write charter and bylaws for NMBBC
15. Hold four NMBBC meetings [Completed: We've held multiple staff meetings, two events, and a community member]
16. Develop care provider survey and distribute to local maternity providers [No longer sure this is where we want to go with NMBBC] UPDATED GOAL: Apply for non-profit status for NMBBC.
17. Compile provider book for NMBBC, with notes [No longer sure this is where we want to go with NMBBC] UPDATED GOAL: Integrate NMBBC into community events — attend at least 4 events held by other groups yearly.
18. Hold two BOLD Red Tent events [Completed, 1/10 & 10/10]
19. Write “My Mother was a VBAC Pioneer” article for submission to Mothering magazine
20. Write one additional article for submission to Mothering magazine
21. Update amniotic sac, breastpumps, and early days of breastfeeding essays’ links on LJ and make those essays public
22. Update and cite sources in “Birth Safety as a Binary Condition” and “‘Brave’ Has Nothing to Do With It” essays

Crafting [16 Total]
23. Knit something for myself that’s larger than a headband/hat
24. Knit a sweater (at least child-sized) [Finished Made Rosie a shrug]
25. Knit a pair of socks [taking a sock class this month!]
26. Learn intarsia knitting
27. Learn stranded color knitting
28. Learn cable knitting
29. Learn provisional and cable cast-on [Finished]
30. Learn magic loop knitting [Finished]
31. Perfect sizing for “Daw’s Drawers” pattern and put it on Ravelry [Finished]
32. Develop dollhouse-sized Waldorf doll pattern and make doll family for the kids
33. Stock my Hyena Cart at least four times in a year, including one themed stocking [Don't have the time or energy to commit to running a Hyena cart at this time] UPDATE GOAL: Sell four dolls this year (2011)
34. Knit two pairs of longies for Babypie each winter until potty training [Didn't make longies for her this winter, because she's showing potty readiness!] UPDATED GOAL: Pottytrain Babypie!
35. Knit two pairs of shorties for Babypie each spring until potty training [Finished]
36. Make wardrobe for the Tank’s Bibi and Babypie’s baby
37. Hook Pet Society-style strawberry rug for Babypie’s room (in red and pink) [Went in different direction with her room] UPDATED GOAL: Frame Babypie’s StoryPeople picture and reframe Tank’s.
38. Make curtains, pillow shams, and comforter/quilt for Babypie’s room (red and pink, strawberries) [Don't need to make bedding, just curtain].

Health, Fitness, and Nutrition [13 Total]
39. Lose 25 pounds to reach next major weight loss goal (165 pounds) [No longer setting weight-specific goals]
40. Lose 10 pounds to reach final weight loss goal (155 pounds)
41. Maintain final goal weight for a year
42. Start and complete a fitness program (like 30 Day Shred, Couch to 5K, or Body for Life) [Working on Two Hundred Sit-up Challenge]
43. Find physical activity I like enough to do at least twice weekly and do it twice weekly for a month [Finished Stuck with Two Hundred Sit-Up Challenge for well beyond a month]
44. Replace all HFCS food products in the home with HFCS-free alternatives [If only Officer Daddyman would stop buying chocolate sauce at Publix!]
45. Switch to locally raised and/or free-range organic chicken [Halfway there -- we're buying the Publix Greenwise chicken, which is a little less gross and air cooled, rather than chemically cooled in the water bath]
46. Build chicken coop and raise chickens
47. Build small garden box and grow at least two food-producing plants a year
48. Switch to SLS-free products for myself and the children [Kids, check. Myself, still working on it]
49. Can my own tomato sauce (from locally grown tomatoes)
50. Go to chiropractor once a month for a year
51. Get a full physical (including bloodwork and gyn) [Not going to do it. I see my doctor as needed for health issues and I feel that is sufficient]

Home/Yard Improvement and Organization [18 Total]
52. Buy our house from my parents
53. Purchase new living room furniture
54. Replace carpets with laminate flooring
55. Repaint living room [Finished]
56. Repaint kitchen [Finished]
57. Repaint school room
58. Find at least one large piece of artwork to hang in the living room
59. Remodel office for Captain Science to use as bedroom [Finished]
60. Repaint Cpt. Science’s old room and move the Tank into it [Finished]
61. Apply dinosaur transfer to the Tank’s new walls [Finished]
62. Strip border from and repaint the Tank’s old room and move Babypie into it [Finished]
63. Dig up front flower bed (w/ rock wall) and replant
64. Plant placentas
65. Reorganize children’s memory boxes
66. Sort saved baby clothes for longer-term storage [Finished -- most of the clothes given to friends, donated, or packaged; one small container of recent clothes left, but that's it!]
67. Develop and implement a filing/storage system for physical photographs
68. Develop and implement a filing system for digital photos
69. Choose favorite digital photographs and have prints made

Personal Improvement [12 Total]
70. Write thank you notes on behalf of myself and the children (have Cpt. Science write his own) for Christmas and birthday gifts
71. Get hair cut at least every 12 weeks for a year [Overzealous Goal] UPDATED GOAL: 2-3 times a year.
72. Get highlights and have them touched up at least once [Decided I don't want highlights]
73. Buy five flattering tops for each new size while I lose weight [Finished: I'm at a weight stasis right now, but I do have five tops I like that I think look good on me]
74. Buy two flattering pairs of pants for each new size while I lost weight [Finished: I'm regularly buying pants that fit whatever size I'm at.]
75. Get professionally fitted for bras and purchase two properly-fitting bras
76. Go through clothes and donate anything that doesn’t fit or flatter
77. Have Visian Toric ICL implants (after they get approved for the US)
78. Read four new books a month (at least one of them non-fiction) each month. UPDATED GOAL: 1-2 new books a month.
79. Have date night with Officer Daddyman (sans children) at least once a month.
80. Have ladies’ night out (even if it’s just a coffee with Patchfire) at least once a month [Finished: Have established a regular night out that allows me to get at least one night out a month]
81. Develop personal website on existing domain

Safety and Security (both physical and legal) [10 Total]
82. Purchase a standing gun safe
83. Purchase a fireproof lock box and put important documents in it
84. Go to firing range four times (Yes, I’m a great big Liberal, but w/ a cop husband, guns in the home are a reality, and I need to know how to use them safely)
85. Learn to disassemble, clean, and reassemble any firearms kept in the house
86. Have a will and living will made
87. Set up 529 college savings plans for Babypie and the Tank
88. Change Captain Science’s name on his 529 plan
89. Get Babypie’s birth certificate and Social Security card [Finished]
90. Eliminate family credit card debt
91. Develop emergency plans for family and do at least two practice drills

Writing/Editing [10 Total]
92. Submit two short stories to literary journals
93. Submit ten poems to literary journals
94. Submit five articles to magazines for publication
95. Create professional website
96. Update writing portfolio (make print and digital copies)
97. Create world “bible” for The Great Journey with Officer Daddyman
98. Complete a novel-length work
99. Compile recipes and write flavor text for Apocalicious
100. Develop creative writing curriculum for homeschoolers [in progress]
101. Find a literary agent

So what about you? Ever thought of doing a project like this? I’m pleasantly surprised at how far I’ve come in a year!

This little meme has been going around the blogging service I use for my personal journaling. Thought it might be fun to try out here, especially since I’m constantly nagging y’all for “Ask a [Smrt] Homeschooler” questions, anyway:

We like to think we “know” the bloggers we read, but posts don’t usually say everything we want to know. Sometimes we wonder if it would be rude to ask a personal question, so we don’t. Is there anything about me you want to ask? This is your chance to ask me anything about me/my life. You can be as personal as you like — if I don’t feel like answering it, I’ll just say “NUNYA!” like my kids do.

Here’s a little something you should know about my family: we’re serious about holiday-related recycling.

We reuse bows until they’re smashed so flat that they’re no longer bows so much as crumpled-up bits of ribbon. A frequent exclamation heard about my house now and growing up, “Hey! Don’t throw away that bow! We can get another year out of it!” Bows must not be trashed, even after the sticky stuff has worn off, because tape can always be doubled over and used to attach the bow next year.

We save tissue paper — the colorful kind used to wrap gifts inside of gifts bags and the white kind for wrapping shirts and putting them in garment boxes. “Is this tissue paper too ripped to save?” is a common question as we do Christmas-morning clean up. Let me tell you: the tissue is almost never too ripped to save.

Gift bags. Oh, yeah, we reuse gift bags. We have gotten many years out of some of the bags in rotation. It’s always sad to see them finally succumb and be rendered unusable.

Our real recycling area of mastery, however, is in the saving of boxes. A decent box is not to be ripped, smushed, or ever, ever, ever thrown away. We still have boxes from Godchaux’s. Don’t remember Godchaux’s? That’s because it was a regional department store, localized primarily to Lousiana, that folded some time in the 90s. We moved away from Louisiana 26 years ago. Our Godchaux’s boxes came with us.

Next year, I’m going to up our use of reusable wrapping materials and cut down on our paper consumption, because we don’t currently recycle wrapping paper. We aren’t that loopy. Yet.

“Yet,” being the operative word here.

Or your delightful darling angels? You know, whichever.

In the great tradition of easy Monday night dinners, I’m going w/ the old standby of the broccoli, ham, and cheese ring — only because my large baking stone was ruined w/ soap, I actually did two braids instead and put them on a cookie sheet. I think the original recipe is from Pampered Chef, but at this point, I just toss the ingredients together however I feel they need to be proportioned any given time.

I use, give or take:

One package of frozen chopped broccoli, thawed and warmed
One package diced ham (or about a cup)
One cup of shredded cheese (you can use cheddar or whatever; I used Mexican four-cheese blend)
Tablespoon or two of dijon mustard
1/4 to 1/2 cup of mayonnaise (enough to get a decently scoopable consistency)
Two packages of crescent rolls
A little onion powder

If you want to minimize your family’s fat intake, use low fat crescent rolls and reduced fat mayo. I want my kids to have something to complain about when they’re older, so I like the full-fat variety. Hell, I’d stuff some extra butter in it if I could get away with it.

Smoosh everything but the rolls together. Seriously, that’s it. Put filling inside of rolls arranges in some sort of order.

You unroll the rolls and either make them into a ring like this or a braid like this or two smaller braids (which is what I did tonight), one per package. Drop the filling in big ol’ dollops into the middle of the crescent rolls, fold them up to whichever shape you’re shooting for, and bake the whole shebang according to the package instructions of the crescent rolls, usually around 375 degrees (350 convection). Takes anywhere from 20 to 35 minutes, dependent upon your oven and how you arranged your rolls.

Eat, enjoy, revel in your mixing of food groups.

According to eHow, this is how one prepares a pumpkin:

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.
2. Split the pumpkin in half and seed it.
3. Remove the stringy fibers by scraping the insides with a metal spoon.
4. Place the two halves cut side down in a roasting pan along with 1 c. water.
5. Bake the pumpkin until meltingly tender, about 90 minutes.
6. Scoop the flesh out of each pumpkin half.
7. Puree in a food processor fitted with a metal chopping blade.
8. Use as needed.

Oh, eHow! What a liar you are! Misleading poor, hopeful Thanksgiving cooks with your promises of easy pumpkinings. I simply cannot let that stand. I know that many of you prefer real pumpkin to canned pumpkin, but you might be dangerously confused by eHow’s instructions, so I offer unto you this, Smrt Mama’s Guide to Preparing a Pumpkin for Pumpkin Pie:

1. Preheat oven to 350 (or 325 on convection)
2. Place pumpkin on bamboo cutting board and attempt to cut widthwise with bladed edge of largest kitchen knife, leaving faint scratch.
3. Discover that pie pumpkin has approximate texture of bowling ball.
4. Try stabbing with point of kitchen knife, knocking slightly-knicked pumpkin into the sink.
5. Using serrated knife, saw at pumpkin for approximately five minutes, making deeper, but still faint, scratch.
6. Pick up pumpkin using two hands and dash to floor with a Hulk-like roar. Pumpkin will split into two neat lengthwise halves.
7. Attempt to remove seeds and fibers from pumpkin using hands.
8. Attempt to remove seeds and fibers from pumpkin using metal spoon.
9. Check kitchen for children. Swear.
10. Attempt to remove seeds and fibers from pumpkin using a sharp knife.
11. Remove seeds and fibers from pumpkin using alternating sharp knife, spoon, and the power of prayer.
12. Place pumpkin halves in pan. Realize the split unevenly and one half is held almost entirely out of the water by a single point of pumpkin flesh.
13. Remove pumpkin half from pan and hack at point until pumpkin is smooth enough to sit more-or-less flush in the pan.
14. Add cup of water to pan.
15. Realize one cup of water is no where near enough to even cover the bottom of the pan.
16. Add another cup of water.
17. Add a third cup of water.
18. Place pumpkin in not-yet-preheated-but-who-freaking-cares-at-this-point oven.
19. Wait for 90 minutes.
20. Check pumpkin flesh for “melting tenderness.” Pumpkin flesh will perhaps dent slightly when poked with spoon.
21. Return pumpkin to over for indeterminate amount of time.
22. Check pumpkin flesh for “melting tenderness.” Pumpkin flesh will be shriveled like mummy flesh.
23. Realized shriveled pumpkin flesh volume is inadequate amount for making pie. Dump pumpkin halves into trash.
24. Turn off oven, swearing.
25. Go to store and buy 15oz of canned pumpkin.

Now, good luck and enjoy your holiday cooking!

ETA: Ok, I will confess, that this isn’t exactly how it ended. Step #22 should actually be “remove pumpkin from oven, easily scrap flesh out and blend into 16 perfect ounces of pumpkin puree.” I was so sure it was going to fail, based on how it looked the first time I pulled it out of the oven, I admit to a wee bit of embellishment. Pumpkin success, after all. The shell (at least the half that wasn’t hacked to smithereens) hardened into a neat, half-pumpkin bowl that we’re going to use for…I dunno, something cool, I’m sure.

Proof of my perfect pumpkin puree

While I don’t believe in a God that is particularly meddlesome, I do believe that God or the Universe sometimes sends a you a message when you need to hear it.

Just now, an affirmation from Louise L. Hay appeared at the top of my Facebook news feed: ‎”I am safe; it’s only change.”

I’ve never done well with change. As a child, I dragged my heels over anything new. I liked to wear the same things, eat the same things, do the same things in the same way at the same time. I have ever been a creature of routine bordering precariously on a creature of habit. New things are scary.

Having children has helped someone with the fear of change, because you have to be adaptable when you have children, but I am still resistant to it when it is presented to me. Daddyman jokes (accurately) that he knows I’ll always put up a huge fuss about new things when I find find out about them. I stomp my feet and insist I won’t go along with it, but when it comes down to the actual time of doing, I’ve usually adjusted to the idea and am able to handle it just fine.

The message from Louise Hay reminded me that I don’t really need that have that period of resistance. New may be scary, but scary doesn’t always mean bad. Reading that affirmation gave me a warm, safe feeling in my chest. It was exactly what I needed to see today; not because any change is looming on the horizon, but because it could be and I’ll have to deal with it when it comes. Won’t it be less exhausting if I didn’t have to freak out about it? Wouldn’t I be happier if anticipating the very potential for change didn’t send my heart racing and my head pounding? I think I would be.

I’m going to post this affirmation on my desk somewhere, so that the next time something new comes up, I have that little reminder that the world isn’t ending, the poles aren’t shifting, and I’m not falling into an abyss. It’s only change, and we’re always changing.