Smrt Lernins

So, one day I wake up and think, “Sure, I can homeschool my kid.” Three months, 47 gray hairs, an ulcer, and a few hundred dollars in secular curricula later, I realized that I had a lot to learn. Join me in my journey to becoming a super smrt homeschoolin mama, because God knows, I’m going to need the support!

The Cast of Characters

An on-again, off-again (in this economy, mostly off-again) freelance writer/editor, Smrt Mama McLernins is also proud to be a Southern suburban neo-hippie SAHM of three boisterous, intelligent, and often downright bizarre children — 9 year old Captain Science, 3 1/2 year old Tank, and <1 year old Babypie.  Sure, it’s not exactly paying down the tremendous amount of student loan debt accrued while finishing graduate school, but it pays dividends in happiness, love, and amusing anecdotes and photographs with which to embarrass the children when they start dating or run for congress. Predictably, she drives a minivan (named The Battlestar Galactogogue) festooned with the kind of bumper stickers that probably embarrass her police officer husband, Officer Daddyman. Smrt Mama is comprised almost entirely of coffee, Clif Bars, and fruit snacks.  She subjects Captain Science to the rigors of a secular, classical homeschool education, whilst subjecting her readers to endless blogging (and whining) about the same.

Captain Science is 9 year old super-genius (of either Tesla or Wile E. Coyote proportions, depending on the day) with a fondness for technology, wizardry, and anything written. He’s blossoming as a homeschooler in a way Smrt Mama and Daddyman never thought possible and growing into the young man they always knew he would be. He is an avid reader, a budding pianist, and a swift runner (which is handy, as he runs a lot of laps to help clear his head). He could easily save the world or blow it up. Either way, he will do it with style.

The Tank is everything his name implies. A 3 1/2 year old unstoppable dynamo of pure kinetic energy, he barrels through life with enthusiasm and high volume. Loves to eat, play, hug, and holler. Dislikes fricatives. The Tank is currently in a small private preschool, but will be joining Captain Science in homeschooling next year.

Babypie is as sweet and snuggly as her name implies. At not yet a year old, she already has a well-defined personality and a great sense of humor (get her laughing so you can see her ridiculous Billy Bob teeth!).  She’s the legendary baby who sleeps and entertains herself. She loves her Mama best, Officer Daddyman and Captain Science tie for a close second, and she’s finally stopped flinching when the Tank flings himself at her to give her a hug. She’s our punkin’ dunkin’ pie, strawberrypie, pie-baby-pie.

Officer Daddyman looks good in a uniform, which is handy, as he’s a police officer. He’s also introspective, intelligent, tall enough to make Smrt Mama feel downright short, and a Midwesterner (though that’s easy to overlook, as he’s appropriately appreciative of sweet tea and biscuits and gravy).  He used to be on the chess team in high school, he’s made an independent film, he’s a published author, he’s got a lovably dorky sense of humor, and he’s an excellent shot at the firing range — a true modern Renaissance man.