Smrt Lernins

Today’s “Ask a [Smrt] Homeschooler” is less of a question, and more of a request.

Marci writes, “I want you to do a post on how you possibly think your child will be able to handle hard situations if they aren’t exposed to them in public school at a very young age. You know the whole comment about, ‘they’re going to have to deal with moronic/mean/belittling…people someday so they might as well learn now.’”

I will start out by saying that I have never met an adult who is a better person due to belittling as a child. Cruelty doesn’t produce character. Suffering through meanness doesn’t make a stronger, better person. Bullying doesn’t create well-rounded individuals who are able to deal with day-to-day challenges. Removing a child from a damaging (mentally, physically, or emotionally) situation isn’t teaching him to “run away from his problems.”

The premise that bullying in some way “toughens up” children, helps them develop “thicker skin” or become “less sensitive,” or teaches them about the “real world,” is faulty and dangerous. Imagine trying to apply those same ideas to adults. Should an adult accept physical or verbal assault in order to develop a thicker skin? Should adults accept sexual harassment in order to become less sensitive? Should an adult accept discrimination or racism simply because it’s “part of the real world?”

Of course not. Adults are not expected to accept these kinds of behaviors, because they are unacceptable. The only situations under which most adults are willing to accept assault and harassment is when the adults feel powerless — fear of losing a job, fear of retaliation, fear of being called a liar. Why should my goal as a parent be to create situations where my children feel powerless? Treating bullying as a character-building experience for a child makes no more sense than treating domestic violence as a character-building experience for an adult. Domestic violence isn’t stopped by teaching the woman to make quips, hit back, or focus on her many positive traits to help her stand up to her abuser, because to do otherwise would be “running away from her problems.” It’s not stopped by telling the victim that it’s “just words” or that she needs to “toughen up.” It’s stopped by getting out and staying out. Why do so many parents fall into the trap of thinking that bullying, which is just another form of abuse, doesn’t merit the same solution?

As an adult, if someone calls me names, swears at me, physically threatens me, or just downright annoys me, I have the freedom to get up and walk away. I am not obligated to accept mistreatment. I am not obligated to accept abuse. I am not obligated to tolerate idiocy. Walking away from an unpleasant or intolerable situation may involve making a sacrifice, but I have the power to do that. Unless I am bound physically (such as through incarceration) or legally (as with military enlistment), I always have the option to weigh the costs and benefits of tolerating or rejecting any given set of circumstances. I can choose my place of employment, my recreational activities, and my social group (which is very rarely based solely on age). A child in a public school setting, however, has no choice over his classroom “peers,” his schedule, or even his presence there. How are the social lessons learned under those circumstances analogous with the social lessons I will need as an adult? Short answer: They really aren’t.

Yes, there will be times when my children will have to smile and nod at idiots, brush off an insult without reacting, or even deal with a bully. They won’t be learning the skills necessary to do that within the contrived, age-segregated “social setting” of the classroom. They’ll be exposed to a much wider age range (though homeschool co-ops and the many other social activities in which we participate), where they will have the model of older children and have to be the model to younger children. They will also witness their parents dealing with frustrating situations politely and tactfully, even if we grumble about them later. Sometimes, they’ll see us ignore harsh words from someone who isn’t worth the effort we’d have to make to respond. We’ll talk about why we choose to engage and why we don’t. We’ll explain that sometimes you fight and sometimes you walk away.

How will our children learn how to deal with tough or unfair situations that deserve a fight? When we are dealt with unjustly, they’ll see us modeling appropriate anger and indignation (one real world example: I was asked by a security guard at a water park to stop breastfeeding my infant), appropriate immediate responses (ex: I didn’t bless out the security guard, but instead clearly and politely recited that state laws protecting my right to nurse my child there, and then spoke with the manager), and appropriate longer-term responses (ex: I worked w/ the manager on implementing training for employees about breastfeeding laws and including pro-breastfeeding language on the water park’s website).

I can’t think of a single situation in my life where having been bullied or forced to deal with idiots in a manufactured setting has been of any great benefit. I have tapped the tools I learned from my parents, Girl Scouting, my Model United Nations team and other wonderful sources on many occasions to great success, but not once have I thought, “Gee, I’m so glad I was belittled by my peers!” I’m pretty sure my kids can manage without that particular brand of education, too.

And that’s what the [Smrt] Homeschooler has to say about that.

Do you have a question for the [Smrt] Homeschooler? Email them to
smrtmama@smrtlernins.com