This was sent in as a question for “Ask a [Smrt] Homeschooler,” but I felt it would be more appropriate for Secular Thursday, as abstinence only vs. comprehensive sex education has long been a battleground between the religious and the secular.
“How will you teach sex education?”
For starters, I won’t be using this or anything like it. I don’t believe in abstinence-only education*. It doesn’t work. It doesn’t stop teenagers from having sex and when they do have sex, teens taught only abstinence are less likely to use birth control properly, if at all. Comprehensive sex education is not only more effective at stopping the spread of STDs like HIV, it may actually lead to fewer teen pregnancies, while the CDC’s Task Force on Community Preventive Services was unable to find sufficient evidence of the efficacy of abstinence-only programs.
In other words, even if you and Jesus don’t want kids having sex, they’re going to do it, so you’d better arm them with the information they need to avoid disease and pregnancy.
I really like the way they break this down at AVERT.org’s page on sex education. They stress the importance of sex education being an ongoing conversation.
We have already started the sex education process with Captain Science. He’s seen me go through two pregnancies, and I’ve never danced around when he asked me questions about reproduction. I did answer age appropriately, scientifically, and only exactly what he was asking, however. For instance, when he asked how the baby got in there, I explained about eggs and sperm. We watched some kid-friendly videos from HowStuffWorks, like Where do babies come from?, Will the baby be a boy or girl?, and How does the baby come out? Because I had The Tank and Babypie at home, we talked extensively about how the baby was growing and how it could come out, including the names of the parts involved. He was there when Babypie was born. I feel that treating pregnancy and birth as the normal part of life that it is lays a positive foundation for sex education.
Another important thing is normalizing a child’s interest in his or her own body, but placing appropriate boundaries on it. Our kids are free to explore their bodies, as long as they do so in a privacy in the bathroom or their own rooms. They know they no one should touch them without their permission and parental approval (for situations like doctor’s visits). The know they shouldn’t touch others without permission. Teaching children that their bodies are their own is another important foundation for sex education. Sexuality isn’t shameful, but it is personal and completely voluntary.
We’re also very open about the various sexual orientations and gender identities people can have. When Captain Science, throughout childhood, has said things like, “You can’t be born a sister and grow up to be a brother,” we’ve talked about transgendered people and how some people look different outside than they are inside, and that’s just another perfectly fine way to be. When he said, “A girl can’t have a girlfriend,” we talked about how some people are attracted to people of the same sex, and that being gay is just another perfectly fine way to be. Whether my kids grow up straight, gay, or with any other sexual identity, they’ll know that they will be loved and accepted for who they are.
Now that he’s older, we’ve had the first of what will probably be many (though his dad will probably be taking over soon, since I’m reaching the limits of Things Moms Know, lacking first hand experience as a penis-owning citizen) conversations about sex. He was initially repulsed that anyone would want to do that. He wanted to know if it hurt. I only answered the questions he asked and didn’t overwhelm him. I used correct terminology (“testicles, not balls”) and stressed that it is something adults do, and that he has many years before his body will be ready for anything like that.
As he’s approaching puberty, we’ll talk more about birth control and protecting himself from STDs. We’ll talk about the emotional ramifications of sex and reasons why one might want to hold off until one is of a more rational mind than, say, a fifteen year old might possess.I imagine we’ll buy some books, since Captain Science is such a text-based learner, and we’ll make sure he knows he can ask questions. If he doesn’t ask questions, though, we’ll start asking him some. I will never tell my kids to wait until marriage to have sex — as my mom once told me, you wouldn’t buy a car without test-driving it first. I will, however, tell them how important it is to not be a dumbass about sex. Don’t treat it frivolously or you’ll risk your health or your heart. And ywhile I will be the parent with the bowl of condoms under the sink, it won’t be because I’m cool (because I most decidedly am not) or like the idea of my teenagers having sex (because I most decidedly DO not) or trying to be their friends (because that’s not my job), but because, in the end, I can’t stop them from having sex unless I’m willing to lock them up and keep them under constant supervision until they reach the age of majority. I can, however, do my best to make sure they don’t catch a disease or make me a grandmother before they’ve reached adulthood.
Talking to kids about sex definitely crosses into the realm of the uncomfortable. I won’t lie about that. The idea of my sweet babies growing up to become sexually active adult-sized people is terrifying! I’m not going to shame, guilt, threaten, lie, or keep them ignorant, though. They deserve better than that. They need better than that.
I guess that’s how I’m going to teach sex ed: as comprehensively as possible, over as long a time period as possible, so we aren’t sitting down to have an awkward “The Talk” after that particular horse has already left the barn.
*I don’t mean I don’t believe in it like someone might say “I don’t believe in fairies.” Though come to think of it, how cool would it be if, every time I said, “I don’t believe in abstinence-only education,” an abstinence-only program dies? Now, nobody clap, y’all.
ETA: Since someone just asked, no, I won’t buy “sex aids” for my children, nor will I give them or condone them having pornographic magazines or movies. I want them to develop a normal, health view of sex with realistic expectations.
